Over the course of the past year, I have become increasingly intent on "finding my own thing". This is due to the combination of a number of factors; graduating, realizing so much about what I don't want, and especially accompanying my love to Malawi to be a helping hand/support for his project. One of the biggest reasons I decided to come home from Malawi earlier than anticipated was to really focus on this whole project/process of "finding my own thing". Once you're home, it's supposed to be easy, right? Not exactly. While it is much easier to do..... well..... pretty much ANYTHING in the States, I think my expectations of finding my own thing in a quick, "efficient" manner (whatever
that means) were too high. While I have taken big strides in finding something to call my own, I think the pressure I was putting on myself to have a concrete answer impeded my progress.
I have been home 2 months now and the past fews weeks the honeymoon period of being home has been slowly waning. At first I was in a constant state of elation; everything I experienced was flavored with the joys and simplicities of home. While I still get those rushed from time to time (I can drink tap water!!!!!) and LOVE where I live and the people I am around, the threat of mundane routine has started creeping in. The other weekend I got my first "OH GOSH I need to GO somewhere!" feeling, something I knew was inevitably going to happen at some point. I wrote in an email to a dear friend who is currently abroad:
"its just that this whole past year was such a whirlwind and i'm used to the momentum, i guess, though it was exhausting. it feels like inertia is getting the best of me."
I feel like I have been waiting for a light-bulb moment, like a grand unveiling of "Kaitlin's Thing" that will just HAPPEN if I a) try hard enough b) wait long enough. Through this searching/waiting game, I have been thinking a lot about the notion of owning of a thing. How can something truly own their "own thing"? For instance. Since living with Grace MacNair: Doula Extraordinaire, I have become SO interested and fascinated by the whole birth process. I have asked so many women I know about their birth experiences, watched documentaries about birth and youtube videos of homebirths, looked into doula-certification classes, etc. Yet a part of me feels like I am copying Grace, like I can't do this because it is HER thing. When I mentioned this to Grace, she of course laughed and in her infectious, enthusiastic manner said, "KAITLIN, I would be nothing but HONORED if you became a doula!!!!!! Don't be silly!!!" In fact, she has already inspired 5 of her friends to become certified doulas. Still, while I totally trust that she would not feel copied and that it really doesnt matter what other people think, there is still this nagging notion of, if I were to pursue this, it would not truly be
my thing.
So, what are the requirements/terms of condition for owning a thing? Some may say originality. But then there is the whole argument that there are no original ideas. For instance, Andrew's "thing" is this project, Stories of AIDS Through Music. While it is very original and unique in so many ways, the whole idea was undoubtedly influenced and inspired by a number of things/projects that already existed, and Andrew would be the first person to say this. So why is it so hard for me to relinquish this notion of 100% originality??
Perhaps in my mind there is a tendency to confuse
influence and
inspiration and
ownership.
I'm aware that even
this idea of no original idea is unoriginal (woah. too much). So, in search of a conclusion, I figured that one's thing is simply a conglomeration of one's passions. While I feel I have many, here are the main ones:
movement/gymnastics/dance/the human body
piano/singing/drumming
theater
babies/children/youth
....which, when I think about it, have all arisen from the passions of other people during my upbringing. My mother inspired the movement and working with children, my grandmothers inspired the music, and my sister inspired the theater. Should this make me feel any less original? It doesn't, really. Everything comes from something else. Through being with Andrew I have become so interested in HIV/AIDS, through my friend Jackie I have become interested in the realities of development, through Grace, birth. etc. etc. etc.
I realize I am not making any sort of grand statement here- just sorting it out in my own brain. I've written about this need to find my own thing in an
entry from my previous blog, and since I have been home I've found this hard to articulate, which is precisely why I wanted to write about it.
So, where does that leave me now? As I mentioned earlier, it's been somewhat of a slow process (or at least felt like one) but I must say that I am feeling positive about it and definitely see a lot of potential in one thing in particular:
art therapy
The idea came from a friend of mine while I was in Malawi. I Googled "art therapy chapel hill" and found The Art Therapy Institute of Chapel Hill, and immediately contacted one of their employees, who I met up with as soon as I got home. Through her and many others I have been learning a lot about the field, especially intermodal art therapy, which combines dance, music, theater, and visual art.
HELLOOOOOO DUH
This has led me to look at some different programs- mainly at Lesley University in Boston, but also App State and the European Graduate School in Switzerland. I know, I know, "but you just got home!" It wouldnt be for a while.....but it never hurts to look. This past week I started an internship with The Art Therapy Institute which involves going into public schools in the Carrboro area and doing art therapy with Burmese refugee children. I have gone twice now and I am really enjoying it!
So, is art therapy my thing?? I think it may be to early to tell for 100% sure, but I get such a good feeling about this line of work. And finally, after much waiting and confusion and silliness in my mind, I feel like there is a genuine fire in my belly to make this happen; to make this my own thing. Which is the best feeling in the world.
